Teshuva Kefi

The other day my brother asked me a question that made me think, on and off, over re-occurring days long and hard.
The question you may wonder?

Was I happy with who I was?

Loaded much?
After thinking about it for a minute or two I answered him, with a slightly hesitant yes. But the more I have been thinking about it, I start to wonder if I have been quite truthful — with him and with myself?

On the surface I can truthfully answer yes. I see myself as someone who cares deeply and can be counted on to be there for those I love. I see someone who wants to make a difference in this world and help others who have not been as fortunate as myself. I see someone who loves adventure and experiencing life and the world to the full, someone who is open to other cultures and religions and peoples. I see someone who loves a good laugh with friends, and hopefully someone who shares that love and laughter with those around her.

However- and there is always a but isn’t there? I also see someone who hides behind walls built over the years to keep everyone at a distance. Someone who, most every time has opened up her heart has been hurt and therefore is terrified of opening up to anyone. I see someone whose fears often stop her from taking a plunge and really living.

This year was to be about me learning more about myself and discovering what it was that I wanted to do with my life. So off I went on my travels (which is where I think you find your true self more fully than in your comfort zones), and I for the most part had a fabulous time, I believed that I learned more about myself, but all in all am still processing all of that an so hope to have a better idea of that in the next months. As for discovering what I want to do, I am not much closer to finding the answer to that than when I was when I left six months ago. I believe however that most things happen for a reason, so I can only hope that it will all come to light someday.

What I do know after looking at this year and the DRAMA’s it has brought, as well as the good times and immense fun that I have been so blessed to have with beautiful people all over the world, is that it’s time to stop hiding and stressing. I’m making myself a challenge for the New Year- to find out what I want to do, even if it’s just for a few months, let go of my control freak side and just LIVE life! To take the opportunities that come my way, to realise the differences between what is an opportunity and what is not, to “not live down to expectations, but go out there and do something remarkable” (Wendy Wassersteine)
I spent too long changing my plans and ideals for others, putting what I felt was right for me on hold for them and what they wanted. It’s time that stopped and I live the life that I was made for. I came across this amazing word, from my studies in Judaism last year, Teshuva. Literally meaning “return” and is used as a term for repentance, I also saw it used as ‘returning to who you are meant to be.’ Another word I discovered was Kefi, a Greek word meaning the spirit of joy, passion, enthusiasm, or high spirits. So this new year, the year of 2012 is all about Teshuva. Returning to the person that I am meant to be with joy and passion and enthusiasm!